Checklist: Day One
On the first day of checklisting, I decided to go in the woods and explore the creek on Leisure Lane. It was a small creek, located behind the Leisure street sign. The water wasn't very deep, but it was rather muddy and marshy, so I made sure that I stepped on the side or on the various stones, mudbanks, and branches stuck in the mucky water.
The creek extended for a loooong time! I walked for about half an hour, then decided to see where I was. I walked out onto the road and found that I was in an unfamiliar court. Anyhow, when I walked up the street, I was totally stunned to discover that I had ended up on Woodshire, a road off of Olive and nowhere near my house!
Immediately I raced up Woodshire and back down to the creek. Then I climbed up the other side of the creek, then looked confused. Somehow I was right back on Leisure! After that, I headed back for my house, unwilling to get lost again. Once I was back I hopped in the shower because I was a mess! I had this crazy idea that perhaps the creek led to a totally different country! It sounds impossible, but you can get me to believe almost anything!
I wished to go stargazing that night as well, so then I got out my Star Theater to watch, just so I'd have some idea of what to look for. Only one problem, the light bulb in the light wand had burnt out! My dad and I seached at several electronics store for a replacement bulb, but they didn't have an exact replica. Radioshack had one that was pretty close, so we brought it home. Then I noticed that the battery pack hadn't been inserted in the correct way. I tried the orignal light bulb again. It worked perfectly! I started to get the Star Theater set up downstairs, and right while I was doing that, the light bulb burnt out for real this time! The other bulb we bought didn't fit because it didn't have prongs, it had wires. The wires wouldn't fit in the holes at the end of the light wand. Guess I had to try some other day!
Ciao for Now,
-Jess

Plans for Winter Break
Just yesterday, we were let out of school for two weeks on winter break. I remember that last winter break I was sad because Alex wasn't there to console me. So sad, in fact, that I formed the word "ALEX" with stones in my backyard and put a leaf shaped like a heart next to it. Just so I'll be able to avoid thinking about it, I've made a To-Do List. Here is what I've put on it:
1.Download all of my new CDs to itunes library and rearrange playlists
2.Finish old journal and begin a new one
3. Start part 2 of Operation:S.N.O.W.
4. Start a scrapbook
5. Do some stargazing
6. Make a crazy Litebrite picture
7. Make stuffed animal clothes with felt
8. Make another symmetry diamond
9.Write two poems
10. Drink smoothies while having a bubble bath
11.Find lyrics on EZ for 5 songs
12. Clean out closets
13. Make one food item from Dierbergs recipie card
14. Polish everything in room
15. Read a Nancy Drew book
16. Hike through creek behind Leisure Lane
So far I seem to be keeping up with my list pretty well. Last night I made the Litebrite picture, and today I hiked through the creek and finished five EZ Lyrics songs. I'm planning to have the bubble bath with smoothies. I'll keep you updated on how my list progresses!
Ciao for Now, from preoccupied but still heartbroken,
-Jess

Starving For Truth
I am starting to feel as if I have just made a huge mistake. Here is my story:

I wrote a letter to Alex begging him to talk to me, because I thought it was my last chance to set my mind at peace. At the same time, though, I was hesitant about putting in the mailbox because I wasn't sure if he would bother to help me.
I finally ended up mailing it a week ago today, so I'm sure he received it by now. In the last week, I got no response from him. I am now starting to assume that he lied to me when he said he cared. I'm starting to realize that perhaps he's a different person from the nice guy he used to be.
I loved Alex at first because I thought he understood and appreciated me, so I thought he wasn't like the popular snobs who step on and act mean to the unpopular kids like me.
Since I got no response from my letter, I assumed that my life was over and that I should just attempt to die as soon as possible, but just yesterday I had a terrible idea. What if he didn't send a response to me and destroyed me on purpose because he doesn't like me anymore. And that lead to an even worse prediction: It could have been possible that the nice person he was last year was just a cover up so that I would fall for it and get sucked in, just so that he could make a fool of me and then throw me away. Perhaps he's the kind of boy who gets girls attracted to him, then he breaks their hearts and and throws them out of his life. (That might be what he did with me!)
I knew that if I couldn't have Alex, I would have no reason to be alive. So I started to make a decision that I planned to stick to. My plan is that I'm going to try and starve myself to death. I'm going to eat only one meal a day, (Dinner, the one I'm forced to eat.) until I'm so thin and weak that I die of starvation.
My friends are trying to get me to eat, but I won't do it unless I hear from Alex. It's getting serious, but I'm not about to change my mind.
I wrote Alex an "imaginary letter" (I don't plan to send this one, though). Here is word for word what it says:
My dear Alex,
I must reveal to you a secret that not a soul knows about: Without you, I have been depressed for months. I cry a lot, I can't trust my friends, and I can't sleep most nights. I'm going under and I desperately need anyone to have mercy on me and take me away from the pain.
Recently I came to the conclusion that the letter I wished to send to you would solve all my problems. If you didn't respond, I thought it would all be over. That was my last chance, and you destroyed me by wasting it.
I have tried several times before to stab myself with a knife to end my life forever. But I just couldn't bring it to break through my skin. So I put the knife back, thinking if I could get you back I wouldn't have to attempt suicide again.
After days went by, I got no response, and now I finally see what a lying jerk you were when you said you cared about me. The only way to escape this pain now is to die. Since I couldn't use the knife, I am now attempting to starve myself, eating only one meal a day, and eventually I'll be so thin that I'll become weak and take my life in desperation.
I should never had decided to rely on you for my last hope to recover. I should have been smart and guessed that you wouldn't bother to do anything about it. But I didn't, and that is why I am staving myself to death. If I can't have you with me, there is no point in being alive. The next time you'll care about my misery, it'll be too late. I'll be hospitalized with an eating disorder or perhaps dead before you do anything for me. So, now I say: Farewell, you inconsiderate, heartbreaking disaster! Thanks for ignoring me and making my life a depressing wreck!
P.S. Even after everything you've done, I might still miss you.
Goodbye (and I mean it),
Jessie Eikmann

Anyway, this is hard to accept, but I'm somewhat convinced that Alex never liked me and just pretended to be concerned. I thought he was different from the popular snobs, but now I see that he is one of them. I'll probably never want to see him again knowing that this horrible fact is true!
Ciao for Now, from starving, angry, and ready to die,
-Jess