In Need Of a Plan
I am so desperate that I could greatly benefit from some mental help. I need a way to get back together with Alex. The first step to doing so is to reveal my darkest secret: The fact that I'm suicidal.
Picking out people you think you can trust is a lot harder than it seems. I thought I could talk to Jasmine at recess, but she wasn't saying a word. Obviously I don't want things to seem like I'm talking to a wall. I crossed Jasmine off my list.
Originally, I had crossed Shira off my list because she had told me that I was too smart for suicide. (That's not true of course.) Now I think maybe I could give her some clues so she can figure it out on her own. I told her at lunch today that I was imagining myself dead. She still appears to be clueless. she asked what was wrong with me, but I knew that anyone who has even the slightest bit of sense wouldn't announce that they are suicidal in a lunchroom full of people. I'm supposed to call her in about an hour. I kept her on my list.
I also think I can ask Mrs. Farooqui the right way to go, but she likes me so much that I believe that admitting to her that I'm suicidal might shock her.
My last suggestion is Mrs. Laytham. She knows that I had a crush on someone in my class last year, though it might be difficult to tell her that it was Alex Motley. She's rather strategical, so she might be able to think up a decent way for me to approach Alex. I'll try asking her tomorrow.
Then Jasmine came back to me and told me she was a little disappointed earlier and that she was sorry that she was talking. Perhaps I can add her back to my trust list?
Bottom Line: If I don't find someone to tell soon, my desire for Alex will be so powerful that I'll drown in it and leave this world forever!!!
Ciao for Now, from lost but somewhat hopeful to escape my horror,
-Jess

Torn Between Two Lovers?
As I write this entry, I am shaking with fear. My position is so scary!
When the bell rang to end Gifted on Friday, I walked out of the classroom. I began to walk towards the 7 red pod area, and then I came up to Brett Baker, who was also walking back from Gifted. He told me, "I'm gonna kill Gary!"
"We should kill Jenna while we're at it," I suggested.
"Yeah!" exclaimed Brett. "Jenna and Brianne need to be shot."
"The world will celebrate when they're gone," I said.
"No, I've got a better idea. We could come to school with shock collars and put them on Jenna and Brianne," Brett announced.
"And they could flip for us when we hit the buttons," I added.
"That would be awesome! It's like, 'Hey, Jenna and Brianne, flip for me.' ZZZAAPP!"
I hurried off to social studies, laughing all the way at the thought of Jenna and Brianne in shock collars. "Brett's so funny," I thought. And that's when it hit me. That bubbling sensation could only mean one thing...
"No!" I said to myself. "This can't be happening to me, not for a third time!"
I was in total shock! I realized right then that part of me was IN LOVE WITH BRETT BAKER!
Now, I know you might think being in love would be a good thing, but I am still desperately longing for Alex. I don't want to forget him, ever! And if I love Brett, then... (Oh, you get the idea.)
I'm still getting over my heartbreak with Alex! I'm not ready for love again! Yet, I am doing so forcefully. It's like I'm caught on shaky ground, and then I'm making an earthquake by giving the shake strength (or loving Brett) and at any moment I would fall into the crack in the Earth.
I want to love Brett because there's a chance that he could heal my wounds from my depression. But if he rejected me like Alex and Colton, I could see myself doing things like failing school, getting in trouble with the law, showing hatred for everything, having no more friends and finally...
COMMITING SUICIDE!
I can see it all happening. I have nightmares that I'm lying dead on my bedroom floor, blood surrounding me, a knife in my hands. I'm entirely scared. If I don't find a solution soon, I really will fade away forever, take the plunge, and kill myself! Somebody help me!
Ciao for Now, from unstable and panic-stricken,
-Jess

My Love Life
After reading my entire blog, you probably have several questions, such as:
-why I believe the zoo is cursed (From my second blog post)
-what I wrote my memoir about and who A.M. is (from my eleventh blog post)
-why I had the song "Far Away" stuck in my head during that field trip (from "Cahokia Mounds Field Trip")
-why I wasn't surprised that I was abusing medication (from "An Overdose of Medication")
Let me tell you one thing before I begin, it's a long story!


My love life began in the fourth grade. I started to play 20 Questions with a boy named Colton Solem. Gradually I began to love him. Then in January of 2005 he told me he loved me, too. On Valentine's Day of that same year, I kissed him! I didn't know that our perfect love wouldn't last. In September of 2005, during sixth grade, Colton fell for Alyson Adler, leaving me behind.
I didn't even notice that Colton was gone because I was already in love again. This time I came across a boy named Alex Motley. He was in my group in the Stuff And Things project last year. We would laugh at everything, and when our other group members would tell us it wasn't funny, we would say back at the same time, "Yes, it is!" I fell in love with him in early October.
And then there was that disastrous field trip. On October 21, 2005, the 6-Red team took a field trip to the Zoo. During lunch, when all the groups got together, I stalked Alex. When he saw me, he said, "I know why you're stalking me. It's because you like me." I was so shocked! (That explains why I believe the Zoo is cursed.)
I was still devistated by that field trip until late December. I wrote him a poem called "Come Back From The Dead" to explain my hidden feelings. He wrote back. At first I wasn't going to read it, but I was surprised that he even wrote back. The note said, "I value our friendship but nothing more. I don't want you to feel bad because I don't love you, and I'm sure you'll find someone who does. Don't feel depressed. Alex." I was thrilled that he really did care. My love was stronger than ever that day. It was the best Christmas present I had ever received.
That's why it was so hard for me to let go of Alex when he left me at the end of school year on May 31, 2006. Since then, I haven't been doing so well. In August, a depression started because he was gone. (This depression is still strong now. I'm actually suicidal.) I remembered Alex so well that I wrote my memoir about him. (A.M. = Alex Motley). Then I heard a Nickelback song called "Far Away". It expresses how much I miss Alex and need him to be happy. I've been playing that song in my head over and over. (That explains why I was singing it during that field trip.) Some of the effects of my depression are being unable to trust anyone, illusions, sleepless nights, crying spells, a small amount of medication abuse (which answers question # 4.) and, most importantly, flashes of deja vu. I don't think my heartache will ever end! I might die before I see Alex again. (I'm writing hidden messages in dirt, asking him to rescue me, and covering them up again.) I'm starting to wonder: Can anyone save me?
Ciao for Now,from suicidal and depressed,
-Jess

The Extremely Funny Bus Stop Story
It all started Friday morning last week. Recall how you're still half asleep when you wake up after several hours of sleeping. When I glanced at the digital clock that morning, it read 1:08, but I thought it said 6:o8. I heaved myself out of bed. It was freezing, so I fixed myself some hot chocolate. Then I got dressed, brushed my teeth, brushed my hair, took the dog out, got on shoes and a coat, and ran outside.
It was so dark outside that you could barely see your hand in front of your face. I headed out to the bus stop. Then, since obviously no one was there, I lay there staring at the sky for about half an hour before I finally started to wonder where everyone was. I thought that I might have been there on a Saturday. Then I remembered back to when I was making my hot chocolate that morning and I had been staring at the clock so I made sure that I didn't scorch the chocolate. It finally registered that I had been reading times that said about 1 a.m. So I said to no one in particular, "I'm out here at 1:30 in the morning, aren't I?"
I ran back to the house and read the clock in the kitchen. The time was 2:07 a.m. I felt so silly!
I passed the time by watching The Tube, my favorite music video channel, on the couch with my dog Josey sleeping next to me until 6:30. What a big goof-up!
Ciao for Now,
-Jess

An Overdose of Medication
Lately I've been having these weird headaches that are so bad! It's like every-time-your-heart-beats-you-have-a-sudden-surge-of-pain bad. So I went to the medicine cabinent and grabbed some aspirins. Since each of them was only about the size of a dime cut in half, I took three when I was only supposed to take one. Since that didn't seem to be helping, I hesitantly took a perscription pill that was supposed to be for my braces. I ended up drowsy the next morning.
My head hurt all the next day at school, and I wished I had more aspirins. Yet, I was also very dizzy, no doubt from my perscription pill that I shouldn't have taken.
At recess, Shira and Lalana asked what was wrong with me. I said, "My head hurts and I'm dizzy. I took three times as many aspirins as I should have taken last night."
Lalana looked shocked. Shira responded. "Yoga always relaxes me when I have a headache."
She led the two of us over to the other side of the playground. Shira tried to guide us to do the tree pose, but I was too dizzy and kept falling down in the dirt.
Then in the cafeteria, I told them, "I lied. I took four times as many aspirins as I should have taken."
"Three, four, who's counting, Jessie?" Shira reassured. "Just be careful. Too much medication can kill you."
That didn't prepare me for the punishment I would get at home. I was grounded from the computer for two days. Now it's a rule that I can't touch anything in the medicine cabinent without asking first. Personally, I'm not even surprised that I've taken to abusing medication...(Once again, I've revealed too much)
Ciao for Now,
-Jess